When I Wake Up, I See...
It’s funny.
In all my time as a human, I don’t think I ever thought I would be typing the following sentence: I didn’t get a single thing I wanted, but I’m okay.
Mom didn’t live. Weepy prayers on my knees didn’t “work.” Grief didn’t leave me with prayer or supplication. Resentment didn’t resolve itself right away. Relationships didn’t work out. Nothing magically happened with my passions, even in my deepest throes. I didn’t automatically feel accepted or loved. I didn’t automatically let go of trauma or hurt. I had to dig when I least wanted to, when it hurt the most.
A year ago today, my mom was 23 days away from death. To say the least, I was scared.
To say the most?
I was pissed. I was mad at God. I was mad at the people closest to me. I was mad at my own existence because I had never planned on existing separately from her.
Ultimately, Mom didn’t live. I didn’t keep my relationship together. Lots of people and things I didn’t want to suffer in my life ultimately did.
But I kept working. I kept showing up and trying.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to just try.
I hate the gratefulness I have in my heart for just knowing that Mom doesn’t have to live through these horrible times. I can imagine her in her recliner, physically unable to move away from the news that would’ve contributed to her death just as fast as the cancer in her body. I hate knowing how many people must wake up to that fear every single day.
I miss her greatly.
I often think of how I wish she was here to tell me what to do about the silliest things. What shoes to wear. Whether to stay home or go. Whether to take my dog to the vet or not. Whether to buy that cookware or not.
I didn’t get what I wanted.
Frankly, I think my third grade self would consider 2020 Jenna an absolute failure. Unmarried, going on twenty-seven, without the greatest best friend I ever knew by my side, feeling unsure every day if I’m doing the right thing.
But now I know why I survived. It was for the dreams that could have never bloomed had I been given the opportunity to stand in their way.
I survived everything I never wanted to live through because of the things I wouldn’t have found without overcoming my disappointment. God’s timeline was always more powerful than mine. I don’t need to do anything on a deadline because he has provided me so effortlessly:
With my wonderful friends. You know who you are. You are my heart. You make me feel less alone, less crazy, less hopeless. In many ways, you wouldn’t exist to me without my grief, my loss or my lostness. I wouldn’t have known how to love you without having my heart opened the way it was. I lost my filter, my prejudice, my hesitance; and I found grace, laughter and peace. You are the best friends I have ever had, and I love you.
With my sweet dog. I don’t think God would’ve led me to you without knowing what was before me.
With my church, which fell into my lap without warning or desire. Jesus found me again at my most hurt and cynical and bound my wandering heart to his own.
With my sweet, sweet Dad. He is one of my very best, least judgmental, kindest friends and the best, most accepting commiserator.
Now…
I can write again.
I can imagine again.
My timeline burned up with my expectations, and I am free.
It turns out, you can come up with absolutely nothing that you originally bet on and still somehow win.
